Lakota Perspectives 

 

PUTIN STORIES

PUTIN STORIES

by
Janis Schmidt

 

We live in an era where the news is entertainment and not responsible for being factual.  So, with that in mind, I will throw my hat in the ring.  It is impossible to find any factual news concerning Russia or Vladimir Putin.  So, picking up scrapes here and there, this is my version of what is going on:

US Ship Buzzed by Russian Fighter

April 15, 2014

 The following is my version of what happened.  Ever since the news became entertainment, the facts become irrelevant.  So if my facts stray a little from reality, at least I am entertaining.
     ***********************

 A Russian fighter aircraft has made repeated successful, low-altitude, close-range passes over a US destroyer, Donald Duck, found drifting in the Black Sea.  The Duck was  transporting Hugh Grant, Monsanto CEO.  The Russian pilot repeatedly asked if they were lost.  The Duck did not answer in any intelligible language, just hysterical quacking.  The Russian pilot made a couple more passes, throwing some peanuts and a banana to the Duck.   

 The Pentagon confirmed the weekend incident on Monday (local time), condemning the action at a time of heightened US-Russian tensions over Ukraine.  The Pentagon admitted that the USS Donald Duck had drifted off course from its destination, the Cayman Islands.  The 2nd Russian plane dropped a map with instructions on how to get back to the Atlantic Ocean and Virginia.

  The US did not bother to thank the Russians for the peanuts and road map.  Speaking for Obama, Colonel Steve Warren, a Pentagon spokesman said,  "This provocative and unprofessional Russian action is inconsistent with their national protocols and previous agreements on the professional interaction between our militaries,"  which translated means,  “The world is our oyster;  we own it;  we can go anywhere and do anything we want, but you can't.”

 Warren said a Russian Su-24 aircraft, or Fencer, made 12 passes at low altitude near the USS Donald Duck, a destroyer that has been in the Black Sea since April 10. It appeared to be unarmed, he told reporters.

 The incident lasted 90 minutes and took place on Saturday evening while the US Donald Duck was conducting a patrol in international waters in the western Black Sea, Warren said. The ship is now in a Romanian port unloading its genetically modified corn and soybeans, under close supervision of Monsantso CEO, Hugh Grant.   Obama's plan is to poison all the people without firing a shot. 
 Warren insisted that the Russian plane, accompanied by another Fencer, did not fly close to the US ship, even though the banana hit Mr. Grant on the head.  Warren said that the Russians did not respond to multiple quacks made by the Donald Duck to communicate with its pilot. The Russians said they didn't talk duck.
 "This provocative and unprofessional action is typical Russian behavior,”  said Col. Steve Warren, a Pentagon spokesman.
 Putin said that Americans needed to take lessons in manners and etiquette.
 Pentagon officials have not yet discussed the incident with Putin, Warren said.  They are still working on some believable story that the public will swallow. 

 For his part, Vladimir Putin said he would be sending a Russian destroyer to Lake Superior to conduct routine patrol exercises.    

 

Soldiers Switch to Pro-Russia Side, While Biden Offers Bribe

by

Janis Schmidt


Soldiers and old women sit on an armored personnel carrier on Slovyansk, Ukraine, on Wednesday. A Russian flag flies from it. When Ukraines were given the tank by their puppet president, a gift from the US, they were met by old women, along with children, carrying food. Brought forth by old ladies were turrines of borscht topped with green onions and sour cream, shchi, and uhka, made with a fish caught by Putin. The soldiers then feasted on shashlik, a type of kybob of meat and onions; syrniki, a cheese filled pancake; golubtsy, ground beef wrapped in a cabbage leaf; and plenty of black bread, followed by apple pie and hot coffee.


The chilren broke into a barynya, while the old people played accordians and clapped their hands. The soldiers joined in the dance.


Men and children sat on an armored personnel carrier in Slovyansk, Ukraine. Children waved Russian flags and sang. When Putin heard of it, he persuaded the soldiers to hand over their tanks to him, where he said he would park them in his garage because they might be too dangerous for children to play with. Instead, he promised to get pure bred horses from Spain for them.

Putin ordered a thousand head of horses to be sent by rail from Andelucia, Spain, where the poor animals were starving to death under the austerity system. He sent a cavalry corps detachment from the Red Army with corn, oats, and wheat, all home grown, guaranteed not to be genetically modified. Putin said, “Americans might eat genetically modified corn, but I will not feed it to my people, not my dog, or horses, and certainly not my pet tiger.” When the soldiers saw the poor condition of the horses, they cried. They covered them with blankets and led them unto the train, making sure the poor animals had plenty of corn, wheat, and oats, along with some alfalfa and sweet grass hay and plenty of fresh water. When the horses arrived, Putin met the train and ordered the horses distrubuted among the people, with strict instructions to care and feed the horses like pampered pets. Putin said that when the horses were strong enough, they could be trained to pull a carriage or cultivator because it was time to plant onions, turnips and beets. He explained that food was more valuable than weapons. “Just ask these horses.” Putin said he would be backing the ruple with turnips and wheat rather than oil.

In the meantime, confusion continued to reign in Kiev, where the CIA continued to foment unrest by hiring neo-Nazi thugs. A continquency of old ladies to advanced on Kiev government buildings with their canes a walkers, and really worked over US stooge, Yatsenyuk. They then occupied the government buildings. An unidentified military sent in troops, tanks and armed aircraft in an attempt to dislodge the old ladies. Local Ukrainians remember Kiev in 1942 and 1943. It wasn't Europe coming to their rescue, but the Soviet Red Army.

Some Ukrainian troops refused to fire on the old people as ordered.


In the city of Slovyansk, protesters say soldiers who were looking "bedraggled, tired and dirty" were fed and washed. Protesters say that after the soldiers were given food and water and had a "nice conversation" with residents, Russian flags were raised on the vehicles and they went "rolling off to Moscow to surrender the tanks to Putin for safe keeping.."

"A soldier guarding one of six troop carriers now under the control of pro-Russian separatists told Reuters he was a member of Ukraine's 25th paratrooper division from Dnipropetrovsk. 'All the soldiers and the officers are here. We are all boys who won't shoot our own people,' said the soldier, whose uniform did not have any identifying markings on it. 'They haven't fed us for three days on our base. They're feeding us here. “We are not going to bit the hand that feeds us,” he said."

In the city of Kramatorsk, though, there are "no Russian flags to be seen," because the neo-Nazis and Nedland regained control of the local airfield. "A couple people were wounded" during a brief clash with pro-Russians but nobody was killed.

Ukrainian troops entered the eastern town of Kramatorsk, but they were blocked by old men who told the young Ukranians to remember what happened in World War Two, that they best be part of Russia. Embarrassed, the young men abandoned their tanks, and changed sides. The old men drove the tanks to Moscow where Putin added them to his collection.

Ukraine's acting defense minister, Mykhailo Koval, sent a message to Washington that the puppet government is still in control of the region. But most of the old women in eastern Ukraine want to join the Russian Federation. They want this settled before spring planting time.

Raytheon and Halliburton have fears about what may happen if the American public finds out how the oil men and the bankers are involved in trying to provoke a civil war in Ukraine.

Obama, hiding out in the White House said it was appropriate for Ukraine puppet, Yats, to start shooting restore order. Press secretary Jay Carney told reporters on Air Force One that so far the puppet government in Kiev had responded with "admirable restraint" to the unrest, considering that they are totally illegitimate. US vise president Biden rushed over to Kiev to offer them $50 billion US taxpayer dollars to fight Russia. At the same time, Obama has denied me a medical bicycle so I can exercise with my bad knees, saying it costs too much.

The Ukranians are not like the brainwashed American public; they remember exactly how the US came to the aid of Ukraine during World War II. If they waited for the US, they would all be speaking German today. If it hadn't been for the Red Army, Kiev would have been lost, and in fact, the Allies would have lost the 2nd World War.

Putin has warned the Kiev puppet government and neo-Nazis against using force against the Ukrainian people in the east and has threatened to cancel an international diplomatic conference on the Ukrainian conflict scheduled for later this week. There are reportedly tens of thousands of Russian troops just across the border. Putin says they were conducting military exercises.

Meanwhile, NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen says the western alliance is strengthening its forces in the region, a move aimed at "deterrence and deescalation" in the face of Russia's aggressive posture. Specifically, Rasmussen said NATO warships would be dispatched to the Baltic Sea, where the alliance's air policing aircraft would also fly more sorties. “Further deployments could come in the eastern Mediterranean or elsewhere as needed,” he said. Putin decided to send a regiment to Mexico to conduct military exercises across the Red River, across the border from Texas. He also sent Russian war ship and docked it in a Cuban Havana harbour. Putin said he traded some beets and turnips for some coconuts, sugar cane, and chocolate rum truffles.

 

Obama said that Putin was full of tricks and flicks.


“Compromise on Ukraine must be found not between Russia and the US, but among political forces in Ukraine,” noted. Putin. Obama, speaking through Secretary of State John Kerry, said, “The US is in charge of all oil and gas. Everyone knows that except for Putin. We control the world and we, the US, will decide who Ukraine's president will be. If Russian doesn't do what it's told to do, then we will drop a few bombs on them. We will turn the Ukraine into a radioactive wasteland.” Biden, speaking for Obama said, “We are Americans. We own the world and can buy anything we want.”


Russians from North Dakota, whose grandfathers were immigrants from Russia, marched on Washington and took over the White House. They worked over Obama and tossed him out of the White House. They also tossed out Michelle and the 2 daughters, so as not to break up the family. Obama has gone into hiding. Ari Shapiro reports that Obama is doing okay, except for his 2 black eyes, which is hardly noticable considering his skin color. Obama is hiding out with George W. Bush in Texas, seeking asylum in Mexico, but Mexico doesn't want him. Bush is giving Obama painting lessons. Bush advised Obama just to forget about being president because he's no match for Putin.

“NATO and the US should concern themselves with Alaska, and will consider Alaskans' petition to join the Russia Federation,” said Putin. He added there was no way Russia was interested in annexingTexas.

Obama wants to spend tax dollars by providing Ukraine neo-Nazis with guerrilla-like arms such as IEDs, mortars, small arms and grenades.

Two big factors, however, stand in the way of the US getting its way in the Ukraine. First, Obama and Kerry harbor great uncertainty about which Ukrainians they trust not to hand intelligence over to Putin. It’s hard to devise a “covert” operation when the side Obama is working with may be, and probably is, working with Putin. Second, Obama doesn't want to press any kind of military buttons unless and until Russian troops actually burst into eastern Ukraine. Obama doesn't want the possibility of U.S. covert action to serve as a pretext for a Russian invasion. Oh, what to do? What to do? Hewlett-Packard, General Electric, Honeywell, Oshkosh, Raytheon, General Dynamics, Boeing,

Lockheed Martin, and many other US weapon manufacturers have advised Obama that all war is good; the more, the better for the economy. Obama is really in a a pickle because America doesn't manufacture anything useful; it just manufactures weapons.

 

Nonetheless, Obama is giving covert military aid serious consideration because he and his clones are beginning to realize that their current policy is not working and to keep from looking stupid. Oops! Too late! Obama is starting to see that threatening Putin is not working. The Obama administration has maintained its monkey face. White House spokesman Jay Carney amusingly and implausibly told reporters that “senior-level visits of intelligence officials are a standard means of fostering mutually beneficial security cooperation including U.S.-Russian intelligence collaboration,” and that to suggest that the Brennan visit was “anything other than in the same spirit is absurd.” In other words, CIA war mongering operations are not working. Obama suggests that he needs to drop a bomb to get Putin’s attention. But no one is listening. Maybe the bomb should be dropped on the US Congress to get their attention.

CIA Director Brennan made a visit to Kiev. Russia's response was, “We would like, in particular, to understand the meaning of these reports about CIA Director Brennan’s recent visit to Kiev,” said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. “So far we haven’t received any intelligible explanations, just hysterical barking and quacking.”

Russian Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev garnered worldwide attention Tuesday morning with a Facebook post. He suggested that Ukraine “is on the verge of a civil war,” laying responsibility at the feet of the “illegitimate” and “talentless” authorities in Kiev. He argues that the Ukrainian people must be able “to participate in the formation of a modern Ukrainian state founded on the equality of peoples and their languages…. Without tanks and armored vehicles. And without secret visits from the director of the CIA….without visits from the White House with bags full of funny money.”

All 50 of the United States are petitioning to secede from the Union, which would leave just the District of Columbia as the territory of the United States. Their main #1 reason is they no longer want to be associated with such stupidity, and they are sick and tired of pointless wars.

 

 

 

 

 


ALASKA  VOTES  TO SECEDE
by
Janis Schmidt

April 1, 2014
 
  President Barack Obama told Russian President Vladimir Putin in a phone call on Monday that the United States rejected the results of a referendum vote in Alaska in which Alaskans voted to secede from the United States, and had asked Russia's assistance to help purge Alaska from neo-Nazi provocateurs.  

 Earlier, recently ousted from North Dakota, neo-Nazi, Craig Cobb, led a coup on Juneau, Alaska.  He announced himself as governor.  He  instigating the deaths of 100 people, including Sarah Palin, who he mistakenly thought was governor, and her daughter, Bristol.  Apparently, the neo-Nazis didn't like Bristol's dance routines.  They said that was reason enough for poor little Bristol to be taken out.  They, at least, gave Sarah a fighting chance by setting her loose on an ice floe with a polar bear.  They also gave her an AR-16 due to her legendary hunting prowess.  Unfortunately, by the time they realized their mistake, both Palin and the bear drowned when the ice floe melted in the rapidly warming Artic Sea.  An Exxon-Mobile deep sea drilling rig spotted Palin as she sunk out of sight.  It is estimated that Exxon stood to lose a million dollars if it wasted any time trying to save Palin.  However, they did lower the flag to half mast in honor of the “drill, baby, drill” woman.  The real governor, Sean Parnell, narrowly escaped  in a kayak.  A Russian fishing boat and set him down on Russian soil,  He traveled by train to Moscow to ask Putin for asylum.  Putin said he could bunk with Snowden.

 Meanwhile, Cobb flew to D.C. where he was warmly greeted by Obama.  Obama recognized him as the legal governor of Alaska, and offered him $1 billion dollars for moving expenses.  Obama warned him to steer clear of Putin.  Cobb said not to worry; he wasn't scared of the Red army.  “In fact, if I had been in charge, you all would be speaking German.”  At which, Hilary laughed herself silly, and made the comparison between Hitler and Putin, which was quickly taken up by McCain.  McCain said that Obama was being too wishy-washy with his sanctions and that he should fire off a couple of cruise missiles over Putin's head.  John Kerry blustered that Putin had not acted constitutionally.  He said this with a straight face, completely overlooking the fact that the US had invaded Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and God-knows what other countries.  Obama has been sending in the drones to drop bombs on Pakistan, and God-knows where else, something he doesn't inform the public of, much less allow them to vote on.   Kerry complained that he wasn't allowed to listen in to the Putin/Obama phone calls, whereby Putin told him to stop cry-babying around and just ask the NSA what was said. 

 The Russians laughed themselves silly when they heard of the sanctions.  They said, “Who, in their right mind, wants to go to America?”  Putin was quick to point out that even Snowden didn't want to go to America.  The White House’s measures, which mostly involve freezing assets held overseas by eleven Russian and Ukrainian officials, and denying them visas, were aimed at people who, as far as we can tell, don’t have significant foreign property or bank accounts.  Putin said,  “Anyone stupid enough to invest in America, deserves to lose it.  You don't have anything of value anymore, just a lot of plastic junk.”  The sanctions freeze any assets under American jurisdiction and prevent American banks from doing business with the named individual, essentially freezing them out of the international banking system. The sanctions also impose a ban on their travel to the United States.   However, not even one Russian wanted to come to America.  Putin said that Obama should ban all Russians from coming to America because he didn't want them to be contaminated with American sleaze and junk culture.  Putin said he had his own list of people he was banning from coming to Russia, starting with Miley Cyrus. 

 Obama stated that Russia's actions were in violation of Ukraine's sovereignty and territorial integrity and that, “in coordination with our European partners, we are prepared to impose additional costs on Russia for its actions."  With over half the votes counted in the referendum, 95.5 percent of Crimeans chose to join Russia.  Obama had a hissy fit and threatened additional sanctions on Russia.
In a telephone call with Putin, President Obama emphasized that “the Crimean 'referendum,' which violates the Ukrainian constitution and occurred under duress of Russian military intervention, would never be recognized by the United States and the international community."  Putin replied that Russia no longer recognized Alaska as being part of the United States, to which Obama replied,  “That is flat out stupid.  You have no concept of history.”

 To which Putin replied,  “Russia had initially settled Alaska way back in the 16th century, when the land grab was on in the Americas.  Of course, only England and the hybrid bastard, wayward child of Great Britain, otherwise known as the United States of America, were the only ones recognized as having any legitimate claims to Indian lands.  You stole all your land from the Indians.  You don't begin to know the meaning of legitimate.  Don't you think it's the height of hypocrisy  for you to suggest Russia is acting illegitimately?”

 Obama puffed himself up and attempted to blow down Putin, who just laughed at him.

 Putin said,  “Let me give you a little history lesson.  Russia was lured into the Crimean War back in 1853 when Great Britian, father of illegitimate America, objected to Russia threatening its hegemony world status.  The immediate issue involved the rights of Christians in the Holy Land, which was controlled by the Ottoman Empire or Antolia.   Christians have a long and bloody history of pushing their holy weight around the world, threatening pagans to convert or else.  In fact, God fearing Christians believe it is their God given right to stamp out all other religions as their divine and Manifest Destiny.  Now, who can argue with that?”

 “That doesn't mean anything,”  said Obama.

 Putin countered,  “Perhaps you would have a better understanding if you were a descendant of slaves.  As it is, you are descended from the original mass murderers and a tribal African.  It is no wonder you have an identity crisis, and slavishly serve the interests of big business rather than the interests of the people.”  

 “The Ottoman Empire included a large region around the eastern Mediterranean Sea, including present day countries of Turkey, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbijan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Greece, Ukraine and Crimea.  The Ottoman Empire was an outgrowth of the Roman Empire, by way of the Byzantium Empire.  When Emperor Constantine moved from Rome to Byzantium, renamed Constantinople, located on the tip of Turkey, he created, unintentionally, two Roman Empires, the West and the East.  The West fell, whereas the East thrived.  Contrary to Christians peace loving missions of turning the other cheek, Christian Emperor Theodocius ordered the deaths of thousands of pagans and forbid them from practicing their religions on pain of death.” 

 “The French, under Napoleon,  promoted the rights of Catholics, while Russia promoted those of the Orthodox.   Neither one acted much in a Christ-like fashion.  The longer-term causes involved the decline of the Ottoman Empire,  and the unwillingness of Britain and France to allow Russia to gain territory and power at Ottoman expense. Russia lost and the Ottomans gained a twenty-year respite from Russian pressure. The Christians were granted a degree of official equality and the Orthodox gained control of the Christian churches in dispute.” 

 Russia and the Ottoman Empire went to war in October 1853 over Russia's rights to protect Orthodox Christians. Russia gained the upper hand after destroying the Ottoman fleet.  To to stop Russia's conquest, France and Britain entered in March 1854. Most of the fighting took place for control of the Black Sea, with land battles on the Crimean peninsula  in southern Russia. The Russians held their great fortress at Sevastopol for over a year. After it fell, a peace was arranged at Paris in March 1856. The religion issue had already been resolved. The main results were that the Black Sea was neutralized—Russia would not have any warships there—and the two vassals Wallachia and Moldavia  became largely independent under nominal Ottoman rule.”
 Obama interjected,  “What does this have to do with anything?  No one reads history, at least not the way you tell it.  We have our own version of history.”
 “Which you keep repeating over and over,”  said Putin.  “Which is why Americans don't even wish to live in America anymore.  I hear that North Dakota is going to secede.”
 “We won't allow it,”  said Obama.

 “Just like you won't allow Crimea to secede?”  asked Putin. 

 “We don't have to listen to you or anyone else,”  said Obama.
 
 “I was elected president of Russia, and I took an oath of office to protect the constitution and protect my people.  Trying to talk to you, much less negotiate with America is like playing chess with a pigeon.  The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won the game."

 

 At which Obama flew about the room in a rage, becoming totally incoherent, proving Putin's point.  Then he said,  “Ukraine is under our protection.”

 “Oh really?  Since when?”  questioned Putin.

 Obama sputtered,  “Ever since WWII, and NATO.”

 Putin laughed so hard, he fell off his chair.  “America has hated Russia from the very beginning.    Russia began with a socialist form of government, which America couldn't stand because it meant the capitalist bankers would no longer be in charge, because the people would govern themselves.  America  was never a democracy and still isn't.  A chaotic period of warfare ensued after the Russian Revolution, with internationally recognized establishment of an independent Ukrainian People's Republic.  Why isn't the Russian Revolution heralded like your American Revolution?”
 
 “Because you established totalitarianism while we established democracy,”  said Obama with a straight face.
 
 “Oh, really?”  asked Putin.  “Have you read your constitution or your Federalist Papers?”
 
 “I don't have to listen to your stupid arrogance when I can just send in a few drones and drop a few bombs on you.”
 
 “Which is your real reason for wanting Ukraine, so you can build a few more missile bases aimed at Russia.  You didn't like it so much when Khrushchev tried to put in a few missile bases in Cuba.    Rather than starting a nuclear war, Khrushchev caved, and gave you  Crimea for God knows what reason.  Not our greatest leader, but neither was your Reagan, who turned you all into capital puppets.  You have the worst totalitarian system the world has ever seen   You have turned America the beautiful into America, a toxic wasteland.  You have turned your once proud and independent citizens into addicts and brainwashed ignoramuses.    So you think you established democracy?  It is a shame you weren't born back in the 1700's.  You'd be hoeing a row of tobacco and picking cotton for your president Washington.  What was established was not democracy, but capitalism with the wealthy in charge.”
 
 “I don't have to listen to you and I won't.  I will apply a few more sanctions,”  said Obama.
 
 To which Putin just laughed.  “No one in their right minds wants to go to your toxic wasteland where you permit and encourage your farmers to poison their crops and oil corporations to poison the water.  I feel sorry for your poor, deluded citizens, who are going to die of hunger and thirst in the richest, most powerful country on earth.  You produce nothing, you manufacture nothing.  You can't even grow a decent crop of vegetables.  You are a nation of schemers and scammers.  You are destroying not only yourself, but the whole beautiful world.  You are ugly, and what you create is ugliness.”

 At which point, Obama jumped up, knocked over the desk and chairs, and defecated on the floor.  Then he called Fox News, Clear Channel, and NSNBC News to report that he had knocked down Putin and threatened more sanctions if Putin didn't clear out of the Black Sea.  And he was to stop holding any more elections which were not monitored by the US with loan of American voting machines.

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